|The book of Wank, chapter 12
||[Nov. 11th, 2006|12:30 am]
Lost Books of Kingdom Hearts
And lo on the one hundredth and seventh day, there the great Prophet, Axel, did find on his doorstop a woman of most glorious beauty. The fans that beheld and were unenlightened did then praise the woman for being worthy of our great prophet.|
But the wiser fans didst then scoff and call for her blood, because they were a bloodthirsty sort and very often did call for violence of some sort, as was prone to their master’s way. And they knew that beauty was nothing to the great prophet, as it should be.
But lo! They then did witness that their master, the great Axel, was swept off his feet, and did look her in the eyes and screw her senseless.
And they moaned and wailed as the abomination didst play out before their very eyes. They moaned and prayed for Mickey to come upon this abomination and smite the great Prophet, for he was no longer so great in the eyes of this glorious demon from the land of fanon.
But there came no answer, and the fans didst ignore Mickey’s signs, and much wank was to be had. Though no true fan could enjoy themselves with a plentiful fountain of wank, because lo, there Axel and the beautiful woman, Mary Sue, didst still screw senseless and speak nothings that should have been sweet but were really bordering on saccharine.
And lo, the authoress was pummeled and beaten with sticks for her abuse of the thesaurus, though lo, I claim even now that no thesaurus was near when I wrote that word!
Grumbling, no one was content, and many of the great Prophets followers didst proclaim a pox on him and the phrase “Got it Memorized” for it seemed those days he said nothing besides.
“He’s a Nobody!” the true fans pleaded to the skies. “He can’t fall in love! It defies canon logic!”
And hence, the fans then did curse the Prophet’s greatest lines, and the ideas of hearts and the metaphysics, and lo, the fandom went to hell and fandom wank didst have gleeful time reporting such. “KH fandom is batshit insane, antiyaoi shippers declare fandom unsafe for children under 35.”
A great shout of “NOES” went up, and finally the son, Sora, was moved.
He appeared amidst the chaos with the background noise of NIN’s fucking of animals song, and gave a disgusted shake of his head, and the fandom didst ignore him, more concerned with molesting the son than with anything he might have had to say. And Sora didst not speaketh ye Olde English.
Frustrated, the son didst realize that he would not be taken seriously in his pajamas.
And he didst then release upon the fen his final form, and the fangirls collectively stared and drooled. For no one could look away from the Jesus-like might of the fandom’s center.
Except for Mickey, and perhaps Chuck Norris.
“Knock it off!” Sora didst then declare. “And get a room!” And lo, Axel didst then ignore him, and the fandom lost hope in Sora’s molestable goodness and could not merely content themselves with standing in awe. For Fanon was among them, and Sora was far too sleepy to slaughter it, and besides he didst not know what form fanon took.
“The Mary-Sue! Destroy her, Sora!” the fangirls cried. “Behold, she has one wing and a keyblade at her side! She doth mocketh you and yon spirit, Roxas!”
And a collective shudder came over the group, and many fangirls did cry. For the spirit had wasted no time in pressing his will over the group, though lo, he didst miss a greater part of the fandom.
And his will didth speaketh, “Leave me outta this.”
And when all hope didst seem lost, there came a voice.
“And this is why you can’t drink tequila while on the job, Axel, do you understand?” And all fans didst crane their necks in implausible manners.
“But that doesn’t solve my Original Character pr—aww, fuck. Those clones are so worthless.”
Lo! There before, behind, somewhere in the general vincinity, them, they beheld the awesome dual might of Mickey himself and the true Great Prophet, Axel. And the Prophet didst begin a bloody massacre, though it truly was not very bloody for rating’s sake.
Hark, thus the fandom did return to a saner state, though many fangirls were lost through various means or fandom suicide. However, wank then didst return to a calmer level and fandom wank didst then return to fanficrants and the Harry Potter fandom for wank that truly didst capture their interest.
Sora didst then yawn and change back into his pajamas. “Jeez, all that over an original character. You’d think you had no faith.”
And the fangirls didth then squee at their lord and sob in misery, for no one likes a wanker.