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Lost Books of Kingdom Hearts

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Psalm 117: Tale of Muses and Writer's block [Apr. 29th, 2007|08:30 pm]
Lost Books of Kingdom Hearts

[music |Alexisonfire - This Could Be Anywhere]

And yey, Raina did vanish for ages and ages hence, to never be seen until nary a year had passed. The good gospel did become dusty and disused, all the fangirls had moved on to busier and brighter, and not quite so strict, things. Raina was left all alone, and she wept when she came to the realization that it was so.

The prophet Axel hadn't kicked anyone in the head in so long, the son Sora had never bothered to wake up to straighten out fandom, and all that was good once lost. Raina did bemoan her forsaken state, and clutched at the shards remaining with little to no dignity, as she was wont to do. Her eyes fell at the ground of her fallen kingdom.

But nay! What had pulled her back? Curiously, heads peeked from the rubble, those who also were pulled back to days of old. "Nay, my friends... It has been a year hence. I am now in college, and thus I thought myself to be too old for Fandom. Woe, oh how wrong I was, I of little faith. And yey, now that summer has come again, I long for more."

Slowly, heads nodded in agreement. "I long to continue in the name of goodfic," Raina didst announce, her voice sorrowful and reserved in the face of great adversity. "Thou doth have no idea how hard I've tried to reach my muses, for they are constantly on the aversion, yey..." And Raina didst then break into sobs, and those of faith didst nod their heads in sympathy.

But lo, as Raina didst speaketh her words of hopelessness, a new figure appeared on the scene, clad in black. The fangirls didst look up, and faint. Raina looked up, just long enough to see a keyblade in her face, and she screamed.

Lo, the Spirit Roxas had come, and Raina found herself in his presence, unprepared, and she cowered before him. "Spare me!" she begged, "And let my muse go!"

Roxas then did scowl to her, announcing, "Until you learn how to treat me with more respect, I'm not letting anything go. You're lucky I haven't keybladed your face yet!"

Raina didst sob. "Oh yes! Oh yes! I understand! Spare me, and I shall change my ways, Roxas! I shall, I shall!"

Roxas didst then eye her, saying, "Yeah right." He glanced towards the sun, and then didst look at her, anger flashing in his eyes. "King Mickey says to back off for now, but if you don't treat your muse right, I'm not giving him back."

And lo, he was gone. Raina didst then thank Mickey.

And her muse was then put to work again.
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The book of Wank, chapter 12 [Nov. 11th, 2006|12:30 am]
Lost Books of Kingdom Hearts

And lo on the one hundredth and seventh day, there the great Prophet, Axel, did find on his doorstop a woman of most glorious beauty. The fans that beheld and were unenlightened did then praise the woman for being worthy of our great prophet.

But the wiser fans didst then scoff and call for her blood, because they were a bloodthirsty sort and very often did call for violence of some sort, as was prone to their master’s way. And they knew that beauty was nothing to the great prophet, as it should be.

But lo! They then did witness that their master, the great Axel, was swept off his feet, and did look her in the eyes and screw her senseless.

And they moaned and wailed as the abomination didst play out before their very eyes. They moaned and prayed for Mickey to come upon this abomination and smite the great Prophet, for he was no longer so great in the eyes of this glorious demon from the land of fanon.

But there came no answer, and the fans didst ignore Mickey’s signs, and much wank was to be had. Though no true fan could enjoy themselves with a plentiful fountain of wank, because lo, there Axel and the beautiful woman, Mary Sue, didst still screw senseless and speak nothings that should have been sweet but were really bordering on saccharine.

And lo, the authoress was pummeled and beaten with sticks for her abuse of the thesaurus, though lo, I claim even now that no thesaurus was near when I wrote that word!

Grumbling, no one was content, and many of the great Prophets followers didst proclaim a pox on him and the phrase “Got it Memorized” for it seemed those days he said nothing besides.

“He’s a Nobody!” the true fans pleaded to the skies. “He can’t fall in love! It defies canon logic!”

And hence, the fans then did curse the Prophet’s greatest lines, and the ideas of hearts and the metaphysics, and lo, the fandom went to hell and fandom wank didst have gleeful time reporting such. “KH fandom is batshit insane, antiyaoi shippers declare fandom unsafe for children under 35.”

A great shout of “NOES” went up, and finally the son, Sora, was moved.

He appeared amidst the chaos with the background noise of NIN’s fucking of animals song, and gave a disgusted shake of his head, and the fandom didst ignore him, more concerned with molesting the son than with anything he might have had to say. And Sora didst not speaketh ye Olde English.

Frustrated, the son didst realize that he would not be taken seriously in his pajamas.

And he didst then release upon the fen his final form, and the fangirls collectively stared and drooled. For no one could look away from the Jesus-like might of the fandom’s center.

Except for Mickey, and perhaps Chuck Norris.

“Knock it off!” Sora didst then declare. “And get a room!” And lo, Axel didst then ignore him, and the fandom lost hope in Sora’s molestable goodness and could not merely content themselves with standing in awe. For Fanon was among them, and Sora was far too sleepy to slaughter it, and besides he didst not know what form fanon took.

“The Mary-Sue! Destroy her, Sora!” the fangirls cried. “Behold, she has one wing and a keyblade at her side! She doth mocketh you and yon spirit, Roxas!”

And a collective shudder came over the group, and many fangirls did cry. For the spirit had wasted no time in pressing his will over the group, though lo, he didst miss a greater part of the fandom.

And his will didth speaketh, “Leave me outta this.”

And when all hope didst seem lost, there came a voice.

“And this is why you can’t drink tequila while on the job, Axel, do you understand?” And all fans didst crane their necks in implausible manners.

“But that doesn’t solve my Original Character pr—aww, fuck. Those clones are so worthless.”

Lo! There before, behind, somewhere in the general vincinity, them, they beheld the awesome dual might of Mickey himself and the true Great Prophet, Axel. And the Prophet didst begin a bloody massacre, though it truly was not very bloody for rating’s sake.

Hark, thus the fandom did return to a saner state, though many fangirls were lost through various means or fandom suicide. However, wank then didst return to a calmer level and fandom wank didst then return to fanficrants and the Harry Potter fandom for wank that truly didst capture their interest.

Sora didst then yawn and change back into his pajamas. “Jeez, all that over an original character. You’d think you had no faith.”

And the fangirls didth then squee at their lord and sob in misery, for no one likes a wanker.
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"The MPREG false-god" Roxas: 12:19 [Sep. 2nd, 2006|10:38 pm]
Lost Books of Kingdom Hearts

A Reading from the Book of Roxans:

Now the two friends Axel and Roxas were hiking across the barren land that is 'fannon' when they fell victim to a false god, one of many in the damned land. The false god 'MPREG Writer' did say to them, "Ay! Bishies! I have had a vision!"

Now this creature was more convincing than the other false gods that were ever so common in The Land That Is Fannon. Her voice was loud and she wore cheap Mickey Mouse ears, in an attempt to trick the two young men.

Now Axel and Roxas were used to this kind of abuse, but took pity on the false god.

"What is it you see in our future? It better not involve bondage..." Roxas spoketh.

"Nay! For behold - Roxas shall be filled with the power that is my cheap yaoi stories, and from his asswomb he shall bear a son, and this son shall be born under his father's name, Axel!" The false god thought herself very clever, and had to keep herself from 'fangirl squeeing' at the thought that her two bishies had fallen into her trap.

Roxas and Axel both blinketh once, then twiceth.

And there was much wanking.

Then Roxas drew his keyblade and ended the life of thine poor fangirl, feeling no pity for the Mickey imposter. He then vowed to kill all MPREG-ed children in The Land of Fannon, for his anti-soul was filled with rage.

And the Great Mickey was sad, for now His Son had an incurable vengence against said MPREG. However, the mighty god did not interfere, for he thought it best that such an abomination as the word 'asswomb' needed to be put out of such unforgiving misery.

And there was much rejoicing.
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The parable of Axel and the sword [Aug. 31st, 2006|11:43 am]
Lost Books of Kingdom Hearts

And yea, the fans did then gather at the feet of the great prophet, at great chance of being kicked in the head-- or worse. Despite this, they sat and pleaded, "Tell us a story, o great prophet!"

Axel did then roll his eyes at them and kick another in the head, because he was a very pissy prophet, but the fans loved him anyway. One fangirl cried, "Got it memorized!?" and the other fans looked at her with envy over her concussion caused by their beloved prophet.

"You ever heard about the time I got my chakrams taken away?" Axel did then ask them suddenly, and the fangirls cried, wailed, and bemoaned the miserable, miserable news. Axel laughed at their easily manipulated emotions. "I know, I know. I musta pissed Mickey off--"

He was cut off by a great shout of, "ALL HAIL MICKEY AND HIS SURROGATE SON, SORA!" and found that his good spirit was verily annoyed.

"As I was saying, dumbasses, I got my chakrams taken away." One lone, desperate fangirl started to cry and within the next instant found herself a burn victim of the prophet's awesome fury. "STOP INTERRUPTING, DAMNIT." The fans did then quiet, not quite as eager to share the burns as they were the concussion.

"Anyway, I musta pissed Mickey off... or maybe it was Sora. I dunno, which. But Mickey comes up to me in his blah-fucking-blah might." Axel did then pause to glare at each of the fans equally, and they shrank away, fearing that this was perhaps their fault. Or maybe the disciple Demyx's. "He tells me I have to find some candle sticks... Or maybe it was miracle grow. Something like that." He did then shrug and turn away from them.

The fans looked at him, wondering what his meaning was, and he soon continued. "All I had to fuckin' work with was this dumb wooden sword. Had something about 'Riku and Sora wuz here' on it." Somewhere, the RiSo fans did then giggle elatedly and open their word processors.

They were also then burned with the fury of the prophet, pissed that he was interrupted again. "So, I find these weird candle sticks. Held by these poor idiots living in cardboard boxes." He turned and grinned towards them, and the fans then did know that he did not show mercy. "They wouldn't give 'em up. Some tried to barter, demanding that I pose for their fluffy Akuroku pictures."

He pressed close to them, and they to him. "Burned 'em all. Except for one. One of 'em just wanted the damned sword."

The fans gasped and huddled together. "Let that be a warning to you idiots. I pose for NO ONE'S fluff. And if I want something, you had best damn well give it to me."

And the fans then did cower before him.

Okay, guys. Where arrrre ya'll? I'm not the only one who enjoys writing this stuff, right? D: Moderated posts, they really aren't that big of a deal! Don't make me write the KH bible all by myself!
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The Gospel of Mickey, verse one. [Aug. 20th, 2006|01:06 pm]
Lost Books of Kingdom Hearts

The plea of one so bold as to leave himself nameless did then reach the moddess, Raina, and she shook her head pityingly. "I have no fucking clue what to say," she did then dost whine to her muses. Mickey frowned and did then send a plague upon the community that would only be relieved once anyone was so bold to post.

Bewildered by the nameless plague, Raina did demand of the community "Post, my friends! Post! It's only moderated to keep the deadly trolls away!" The great prophet Axel laughed and did then declare, "It's your own damned fault for making everyone picture me with breasts."

Raina then fell at his feet, noticing that his boots did need a shine. She didst forget that she was at the feet of the great Axel, and she didst not notice his anger growing and she did not grovel, as was right in the world. With a mighty kick, she was set in her place. "Ow, that hurt, bastard!"

Raina rubbed her cheek sourly, and turned towards her audience, declaring, "Badfic has been banned, as you all should rightfully know. Characterization and all that is good about Kingdom Hearts doth reign supreme here, though it does make our idols squirm in their seats when they are paired to random people."

She stood up, empowered by the great prophet Axel, who was still standing behind her. But she spoke the words of Mickey, and his son, should Sora ever stop being lazy and show up.

"I'm on summer vacation," declared a voice from beyond and Raina did then quiver and whine at the heavy burden now placed on her shoulders.

"But behold, for Mickey has smote, even as we were not paying attention! And for that, we rejoice! And I beg of you to post, because Axel does not like me." Axel knocked her upside her head and she fell before his awesome might, and experienced a great headache.

But she was not deterred, for she vowed she would be a good fangirl, even under Axel's ungodly stare. He did then declare, "Now stop your bitching. And for God's sake, change your icon."

And all was right in the word.
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Like the red text section at the front of the Bible. :P [Jul. 8th, 2006|03:26 pm]
Lost Books of Kingdom Hearts

And the prophet Raina came unto the huddled denizens of Kingdom Fandom, and they did greet her with much joyfulness for she promised to be the voice of sanity in the chaos of the world surrounding them. And the prophet did speak unto them the wise words of Moderatorship and of the Great Rules that were set not to hinder, but to help the denizens of Kingdom Fandom become more than their separate parts, to speak with one voice the Common Sense that would set them far from the Fanon.

And the great prophet did speak unto them, "The number of Community Rules shall be FOUR. No more, no less - excepting sticking to fucking common sense. Four is the number thou shalt count and the number of the counting shall be four. Five, shalt thou not count, neither count thou three, excepting that thou then proceed to four. Six is right out. Once the number four, being the fourth number, be reached, thou shalt have read of the rules and then, being good in thy Mickey's sight, thou shalt live.

ONE. That thou remember that parody this community is, and parody shall be upheld, for thy speech shall reach the ears of King Mickey and he shall be pleased. That is, he shall be pleased if thy speech is of flowing and powerful tongue, and thou shalt remember that netspeak is the way of the devious and seductive Fanon and is therefore banned from thy paradise of Kingdom Fandom.

TWO. While it is not necessary for thou to preach upon the evils inherent in the world of fanfiction and fanart, thou mayst do so in the name of thy Kingdom Fandom and in defense thereof.

THREE. Thou shall remember that the monster Fanon lurks 'round every corner and poised to snatch unwary Fans in the grasp of horrors. Be wary, ye Fans, so that your own mind is not caught by this demon of the Evil Pit of Despair. Not true to the Rede of Fans thou shall be then, and cast unto the Evil Pit you may find yourself.

FOUR. Thy Ten Commandments shall not be decided upon by solely one, unless that sole one is to be King Mickey. You denizens of Kingdom Fandom shalt discuss and agree to thy Ten Commandments, and they shall be seen in the eyes of the King, and they shall be good.

And Raina did look down on the faces turned to her, full of trust, and smiled, for she knew they did understand the rules and promised to uphold them. For they knew if they did not, the Son of Mickey would appear and kick their asses, and Raina would weild the Modly Bat of Power against the transgressors and they would be the worse for it.

thank you, tairako!
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(no subject) [Jul. 8th, 2006|01:52 am]
Lost Books of Kingdom Hearts

Unto apostle Raina, who was then known as Raina-chan, the Lord Mickey doth appeared and commanded, "Go, and spread the word that I am not just a mouse, but thy life or death." Raina did then drop her playstation controller and log online where she proceeded to find a gathering, and thus Mickey's word did doth reach the fandom.

However it was a very few and Mickey did doth grow impatient again. He sent his surrogate son, Sora, to yon fangirls. Sora was accompanied by the prophet Axel for good measure, lest the fangirls get too distracted with his physical form.

Sora said to the squealing fangirls, "Go and proclaim the commandments of Kingdom Hearts." And the girls nodded, but not without raving about how molestable their lord was. All had a hearty laugh, except for Axel, who did not think very highly at all of the fangirls. Once Sora had left, Axel stood tall and the fangirls cowered in fear and in guilt, for they could not help but think fangirl thoughts about the prophet.

Axel was feared because he held the authority of Mickey Mouse, and did insist that they go straight to their preaching. The fangirls nodded and plotted amongst each other diligently.

"Make sure that they know I'm not a fucking drag queen!" Axel did remind them even as they began to write down their silly commandments. "And that I don't say 'Got it memorized' every five seconds!"

And thus under the watchful eye of Axel, their teachings did gain power. And soon they felt themselves strong enough to write the inspired word of Mickey Mouse. And they were glad. They invited others, though paid close heed, lest heathens sneak in amongst them, declaring the words of the false prophet, Fanon.

And so they formed a community to gather and share the words that Mickey Mouse didst inspire, but enforced a moderation queue. They hung their heads in shame, sad that their great words could be ruined by the simplest of trolls.

But no matter, for from them was the beginnings of the Kingdom Hearts Bible.
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